The Ideal Catholic Sex Life, According to Celibate Catholic Priests

In the two or so years of the debates surrounding the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill, I have heard perhaps all of the arguments as to what kind of a Sex Life these celibate Catholic Priests want their flock to have, and I find it quite fascinating in it’s utter stupidity.

Let me try to walk through how these people who are not supposed to have sex, want other people to conduct their sex lives.

‘The need for Sex, and No Sex Outside of Marriage’
First of all, heterosexual individuals need to have sex. It is a primary requirement to the Catholic definition of heterosexuality. If you are not married, then they assume you are not having sex, and if you are not having heterosexual sex, then you are automatically a faggot. No “ifs” or “buts” about it. The Catholic hierarchy hates homosexuals so much that it is better to err on the side of overkill than on the side of underkill. They don’t want to be fooled by any “pretenders”. So: Not Married = Assumed No Heterosexual Sex = Faggot

So the need for sex is important, but that doesn’t mean Catholics can go into Heterosexual orgies, oh no, no sir. There are strict “guidelines” on how Heterosexual Sex should be. First of all, sex has to be limited to marriage only, and to one partner only. People should stay virgins until their wedding night.

No sex outside of marriage to other people, meaning no sex with Prostitutes, no casual One-Night Stands, no sex even with your Girlfriend, even if you are engaged. Pre-Marital Sex is a big no-no (although I am not sure if that cover Handjobs and other sexual variations). Save it until your wedding night, and to one person, and one person only.

‘Sex in Married Life’
But then being married is no license to unbridled lust. No, no, no, no, no. Being married to your partner doesn’t mean constant grinding and thrusting of your hips and humping all day and all night long. Sex should not necessarily be “safe” and “satisfying”. You’re not supposed to “enjoy” sex, it’s not supposed to be for “enjoyment”.

You’re supposed to act all business-like, like you were forced to do it, or act something with like a “Let’s-Get-This-Done-and-Over-With” attittude, as in, “let’s just do it so it will be finished”. You’re supposed to just put it in, wait for your seed to come out, and then pull it out, crying and whimpering because of the guilt of feeling any sort of satisfaction you felt from the act.

Catholics during sex are supposed to act like those Japanese Pornstars, like Maria Ozawa, who, despite the dozens and upon dozens of films we have seen her violated in all of her orifices, still squeals and grimaces in pain and revulsion every time she goes thru it (ah, er, or so I’m told, not that I have seen any of her films, cough, cough, ubo, ubo).

If possible, the proper sex act should be thru a hole in a blanket where the male and female sex organs can be allowed to “meet and greet” (not to mention “grab and hold”). Petition for this as the officially approved Catholic sex act is reportedly, according to rumors, already with the Pope in the Vatican for approval.

And on top of that (no pun intended), you need to limit the frequency of having sex. You can’t just do so if you want to, when your urge kicks in, even with your wife. Sex is only for Procreation, hence if you have no intent to procreate, keep it in your pants, boy. So if you plan to only having two children, then you can only have sex with your wife a couple of times during your entire decades-long of marriage.

‘Parting Shot’
In summary, here is how the “ideal” Catholic sex life should be, according to our beloved Priests who are not supposed to be having any sex at all.
– Marriage means Heterosexual Sex which confirms ones’ heterosexuality. No marriage means no heterosexual sex, means homosexual.
– No sex before marriage, and should be limited to only one partner in your entire lifetime
– Sex should not necessarily be “satisfying”. It is an act that is so barely tolerated for purposes of establishing ones’ heterosexuality and procreation.
– Limited sex only during marriage, specifically for the purpose of procreation only. Don’t want to procreate anymore? Then no sex with your wife for the next decades.

All I can say, is that this is the kind of illogical bullshit that happens, when you ask people who are not supposed to have sex to dictate to other people how they should conduct their sex lives.

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